Mighty Important Announcement

Howdy, fellas, T-Bone Taylor here ready to give y’all an earful of what’s on my mind. Now, you fellas know T-Bone ain’t one to mince words, so let me come out and say it. I’m frightened as a rooster about the prospect of an Obama presidency. As the owner of a small business (T-Bone’s Hot N’ Spicy Ribs, 2 miles off of Route 113), I’m worried what an increase in taxes will do to me. My rib joint is my life, you fellas know that, and I would die before I had to close it down. But all I’m saying is that if I ever get rid of $2 rib night, you fellas know who to blame. And as an avid hunter, I’m worrying that Mr. Obama is going to infringe on my 2nd-amendment rights and take away my flamethrower. Now I can already hear some of you big-city sissies going ‘Now, T-Bone, who needs a flamethrower to hunt?’. To these people, I say, don’t it seem silly to kill a deer and then cook it, when you can do both at the same time? As Uncle Chet used to say ‘Ain’t no need to milk a cow if all you want is whiskey’. I’m also worried about our families. Mr. Obama says he’s opposed to gay marriage, and I really wanna believe him, but I’d believe him a whole lot more if that wife of his didn’t look like someone I used to play ball with. Now before you all go talking out of turn, I ain’t accusing Mr. Obama of being a sissy, just sayin’ it’s hard to tell these days. All I’m trying to say in my own clumsy little way is that I’m worried. America is the greatest country ever created, and the 14^th district is the greatest Congressional district God ever created, and they both deserve better. And that’s why I, T-Bone Taylor, would like to formally announce my candidacy for Congress.

Now my opponent, Mr. Sinclair, is probably gonna sweet-talk y’all with a whole bunch of fancy college words. Words like ‘tolerance’ and ‘compassion’ and ‘progress’. Now T-Bone respects y’all too much for all that stuff. I’m just tired as a rooster of people making a bunch of talk they ain’t gonna live up to. My Pa always told me “There ain’t no use sweet-talkin’ a horse when you ain’t got no wheat”. Now I may not have quite the vocabulary of Mr. Sinclair, but I’m going to always look out for y’all. I’ve always believed in actions not words. In the 80’s, when Mr. Sinclair was going to his fancy-pants school in Boston, I was hitting .284 for the Astros, averaging 9 homers and 61 RBIs, with mighty fine defense at second base. Back in the 90’s, when he was petitioning to get Ronald Reagan retroactively impeached, I was opening my own line of rib joints, making the best damn ribs in the county. After 9/11, when he was pushing for a diplomatic agreement with Al-Qaida, I created T-Bone’s Terror Fightin’ Squad, a small group of concerned citizens which made sure to keep an eye on that Arab fella who works at the 7/11 down by City Hall. And just this past summer, when he was campaigning to make French our national language, I was wrestling a bear for charity. THAT’S the difference between me and Mr. Sinclair, and don’t you forget it.

Now I ain’t one for writin’, but I thought this would be a good opportunity to outline for you good folks some of my promises. You fellas know T-Bone ain’t never broke a promise he made, and here are some promises I make to you, the good people of the 14^th district:

• I’ll do everything in my God-given power to uphold the 2^nd amendment. I will also try mighty hard to uphold the 1^st, 5^th, 8^th, and 21^st. The rest I can take or leave (I hope that our fightin’ boys know that they’re always welcome to quarter themselves at my place).

• I will protect your family from terrorism. T-Bone’s Terror Fightin’ Squad has done a great job the past 7-odd years, and I’m mighty proud to say there hasn’t been a single attack inside America in that time. Over the years, T-Bone’s Terror Squad has added a whole lotta people to our surveillance lift (including that funny-looking Spanish guy who hangs around the parking lot and Billy Joe’s ex-wife). If elected, we’ll keep on expandin’ T-Bone’s Terror Squad in order to keep you fellas nice and secure.

• I will protect your family from queers. Now I don’t think queers are gonna come into your house in the middle of the night and steal your children, but they sure as hell might try to have sex with them.

• Also, if elected, I will give a free helpin’ of T-Bone’s very own St. Louis Ribs to anyone who votes for ol’ T-Bone. Now I know ballots are supposed to be secret, but trust me fellas, I got my ways of knowing.

In conclusion, I just wanna say that I’d be proud as a rooster to represent you people in Congress. To serve in Washington would be a dream come true, and I just know I could help bring you fellas the change you deserve. As Uncle Earl always said “What’s the use in riding a horse when you ain’t got nowhere to go?”